I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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