Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
