Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
