Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
