So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
NoShamevember. You game?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
