Your face is a jimmy john
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
