You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
