Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
