My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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