He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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