opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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