I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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