good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
