Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
