I wish I only lived at night.
smell my finger.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
