I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
