I just threw up on my dentist
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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