Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
