My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
