I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
