i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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