My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
