The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
