I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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