sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
