My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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