Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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