You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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