Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
