i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
