If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
