she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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