Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
