i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
