Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
