onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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