its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
