I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
