We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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