You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
