he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
