Just fell off a train. Bad.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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