I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
