I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
