My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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