after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
