I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
