I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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