I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
