thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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