i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
