matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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