she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
